And I sat there, heart in my hand, watching it as it pulsated- first slowly, then quickly, as fear crept into it. Fear that to this day I’ve been unable to completely shake off, the kind of fear that consumes your every thought, paralyzes you late at night. The kind that you eventually grow tired of, it’s hinderance has caused you nothing but unnecessary grief, so you try your hardest to push past it and eventually you do get past it. But just as Rome wasn’t built in a day, fear isn’t overcome in a day and that is one of the hardest lessons to learn
How can a part of me be so mad at you and another part not be? You make things hard on me but I still bend over backwards to accomodate you. Things should be easy, as easy as how rivers run into the sea, effortless even. Maybe it’s just figuring out what we are that makes things this complicated, or maybe it’s our past slowly creeping up on us enveloping us in relentless fear. Whatever the case may be, I know I’m trying, I just need to know that you are too.
I don’t know who we’re trying to fool. Neither of us want a relationship but when we’re together everything feels so right. It’s bound to happen, you and me that is, we might as well just stop lying to ourselves.
I hate being out of my wits, looking over and seeing that you’re okay. Maybe I let my feelings get the best of me, maybe I should be more like you, maybe then I’d be as composed as you.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and often it’s ripped from the very fabric of my being, left to wither in the beaming sun, and for a moment I’m left with nothing but the desperation to breathe in one last breath before I become lifeless once again. But if there is one thing that life has taught me, it is that everything, even the things that hurt will teach you a lesson. Often times, we’re just far too blinded by our pain to see; it’s as though pain fogs our being, it becomes the air that we breathe, it circulates our body. I’ve learned to let shit go, I didn’t like the person I became when I had it all bottled up within me.
I don’t want a relationship but I don’t want to be alone anymore. It was nice to feel someone’s heart beat against my fingers again, rhythmically, steady, then transition to a rapid pounding. Both our hearts were running in the same race, could that mean something? Maybe I just wanted it to mean something.
I remember waking up in the morning excited, so very excited. I wonder what happened to that excitement, all I know is that one day I woke up and it was gone, I need it back.
How do you warn someone about breaking their heart? When I introduce myself should I say, “hey I’m ashley and I’m incapable of falling in love so it’d be best if you don’t fall in love with me. I’m not that interesting anyway, I’ll spare you the whole getting to know me part because in the end you’ll end up with a broken heart and I’ll feel like the world’s biggest asshole. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, what’s your name?”
We let our fears dictate our lives, fear of judgement, fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, our lives revolve around them. Life should be an adventure. Life should be amazing, zany, intense, dreamy, but often times it falls short of those things because we are so consumed by our fears. Everyday my goal is to get over a fear, it’s never easy, but in the end it’s always worth it.
